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Ive been spending the last 6 months....and 7 years listening to my ex and his family talk about their "bad" living situations, jobs, etc. I wouldnt have such a problem with this if they didnt always label me as a pessimist. I am really getting annoyed at being labeled the bad guy. My opinions dont seem to have any precedence over any situation. Be it my kids, my feelings or the fact that i have been supporting my ex through our relationship and even now that we arent together. Having no family in this state takes a toll on me especially since my ex mothr in law believes i should be the supporting and sypathetic wife even though we are no longer together. The thing that bothers me the most is that i fear i will be left with nothing to show for all this support. i feel as if i am being beat into submission.
Current Mood:
drained drained
Current Music:
look out young son-grand ole party
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EWW! I look gross.
How does this look on me?
He's so cute!
Paloma, why dont I have a boyfriend?
I'm so not self absorbed. I'm a very selfless person, like Mother Teresa.
I'm a hermit.
I'm fat
My nose is too big.
Youre not gay youre just going through a midlife crisis.

   
    I swear to god I hate listening to stuff like this.I just  feel like screaming "THE REASON WHY YOU DONT HAVE A BOYFRIEND IS BECAUSE YOURE NEUROTIC AND ALL YOU TALK ABOUT IS YOURSELF!!!!!" As much as I'm attracted to girls, the banter is deafening to me.

Current Mood:
cynical cynical
Current Music:
Jumpers-Sleater Kinney
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So I'm very excited because I finally got my computer back. It exploded about a month ago.  I feel back in touch now.
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*My Boy Side
[ x] You love hoodies
[ x] You love jeans.
[ x] Dogs are better than cats.
[ ] It's hilarious when people get hurt
[ ] You've played with/against boys on a team.
[ ] Shopping is torture.
[ ] Sad movies suck.
[x ] You own an X-Box.
[ ] Played with Hotwheels cars as a kid.
[ ] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[ ] You own a DS, PS2 or Sega.
[ x] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[ ] You watch sports on TV.
[ x] Gory movies are cool.
[x] You go to your dad for advice.
[ ] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[ ] You like going to football games.
[ ] You used to/do collect baseball cards.
[ ] Baggy pants are cool to wear.
[x ] It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors
[x ] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[ ] Sports are fun.
[ ] Talk with food in your mouth.
[ ] You Wear boxers.

Total = 9

*My Girl Side
[ x] You wear lip gloss.
[ x] You love to shop.
[ x] You wear eyeliner.
[ x] You have some of the same shirts in different colors
[ ] You wear the color pink.
[ ] Go to your mom for advice.
[ ] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[ ] You hate wearing the color black.
[ ] You like hanging out at the mall.
[x] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
[] You like wearing jewelry.
[ ] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[ ] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[ x] You don't like the movie Star Wars [I like the new one's cuz of Natalie :-)]
[ x] You are/were in cheerleading, gymnastics or dance
[ x] It takes you around 1 hour to shower, get dressed, and put on make-up and accessories.
[ ] You smile a lot more than you should.
[ ] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[ ] You care about what you look like.
[ x] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[ ] You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne
[ x] You wear girl underwearI(I wear boy style girl underwear)
[ x] Used to play with dolls as little kid
[ x] Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy of it.
[x ] Like taking pictures of yourself with your cell phone/camera when you're bored.
total=13
I'm almost androgonyous!
Current Mood:
bored bored
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I just got back from CA and I realized how much I miss it there.I feel so closed in here.  I need inspiration and there is a  huge lack of that here in AZ. It's not until you leave here that you realize that everyone in Tucson tries to act like theyre from CA. It's pretty pathetic.
Current Mood:
melancholy melancholy
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* * *
 I was bummed all day today. I decided to cover for a friend at work. I was bored as hell and decided to go out with Lindsey.  On a whim we decided to stop by the Tegan and Sara concert. Which was a big deal for me because I have only been to one other concert in my life. We got in for $6 all together. Everyone else paid like $35. It was so awesome. Honestly, I only recently bought their album and I didnt really like it all that much but, they are totally awesome live. I was really psyched. Not to mention the fact that every les and their mother was there. I didnt know their were so many in Tucson. Things are looking up:)
Current Music:
Walking With A Ghost-Guess Who
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Paloma's life in music.

Yoo Hoo-Imperial Teen
Chick Habit-April March
I Feel It All-Feist
Little Bird-Annie Lennox
Maybe Not-Cat Power
Way Out-Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Papercuts-Gym Class Heroes
Get Together-Madonna
Everything's Just Wonderful- Lily Allen
Golden Skans-Klaxons
Purple People-Tori Amos
On & On-Erykah Badu
Wolf Like Me-Tv on the Radio
Portions For Foxes-Rilo Kiley
The Greatest-Cat Power
Mint Car-The Cure
Road To Zion-Damien "Jr. Cong" Marley
Some Things Last A Long Time-Daniel Johnston
Shadowboxer-Fiona Apple
Maneater-Hall &Oates
Don't Stop Believin'-Journey
Smile Like You Mean It-The Killers
Seventeen-Ladytron
Never Too Much-Luther Vandross
Jane Fonda-Mickey Avalon
Bizarre Love Triangle-New Order
Dancing With Myself-Billy Idol
F**k The Pain Away-Peaches
Big Brat-Phantom Planet
Sour Times-Portishead
The National Anthem-Radiohead
700 Mile Situation-Res
Exit Music(For A Flim)-Radiohead

I would love to know everyone else's soundtrack!
Current Mood:
cheerful cheerful
Current Music:
Everything!!
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 I need to:
Repinkify my hair.
Save money.
Learn how to drive.
Get organized.
Drop bad friends.
Focus.
Current Mood:
determined determined
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    Is it just me or are people under the impression they cant date too far outside of their race? I have been examining this since elementary school and I find that most white people male and female have resvervations about dating a black person. It's funny because no one will readily admit they feel this way. It is kind of a subconscious aversion. Sadly my dating pool gets significantly smaller because of this. I may never meet my real life Shane McCutcheon. Oh well. 
Current Mood:
disappointed disappointed
Current Music:
folsom prison blues-johnny cash
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So I got this from softlipsokchic and I just thought it was really entertaining. So what the hell. Please, please, fill it out.
*muah*

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarkey) - what are they :
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school:
22. Describe your accent:
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?
Current Mood:
chipper chipper
Current Music:
lily allen
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I want to marry Chan Marshall.
* * *
    There has been alot of the "B" word flying around lately. Bisexual. It seems as if it is thought that one cannot survive without a penis in there lives. I understand if that is your choice but why does it feel as if everyone I know want to label me that. I am not attracted to men sexually. Yes, I was married. Yes, I have two kids. But the sex part was always hard. I was married for two years and the last year was next to impossible for me to have sex with him without being high or drunk. I had no lack of sex drive, I just knew it wasnt gonna be towards him.    In my own mind, minus all the other unimoprtant feedback, I feel very comfortable with the lesbian label if  I had to have one. It's quite a relief to me.I'm feeling very caught up with myself these days. For what it's worth. Although, it feels as if my coming out seems to be more complicated for those I care about.
Current Mood:
calm calm
Current Music:
future lovers-madonna
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* * *
CANON REBEL XTI, BITCH!!!!!!!!! 
* * *
  Meeting people has always been hard for me. Meeting someone to possibly be interested in is even harder. I've been avoiding Lindsey for the last few weeks to avoid falling into yet another emotional pit.  She is a very toxic person. Anyway, as far as meeting a girl goes, slim pickens. I'm getting tired of the "you'll find her eventually" remarks. I think determining my feelings about sexuality will be alot easier if I knew someone close that already is. Time is a major factor considering my situation. I guess I'm just impatient. I feel like I can see the kind of person I'm looking for and our paths have yet to cross.
Current Mood:
blah blah
* * *
I really want to elimimate all the negative aspects of my life. I have a "friend", Lindsey who always makes me feel like shit. Everything is about her. When we go out the whole time she talks about how she hasnt had a boyfriend in like two years and that she needs to get laid. She is one of the only people who knows about my sexuality issues and I get the idea she is trying to convince me that its just a phase. "Like a mid-life crisis"she says. I also get the impression that she only hangs out with me to make her feel better about herself. Like she's better and prettier than me or something. She always wants to make herself look prettier than she is to attract the kind of people she wants in her life.
    I actually never really relized it was a problem until I started to hang out with other people. Now it really bothers me. I havent gone out with her or really talked to her  in almost a month, but Ive started feeling better.
Current Mood:
disappointed disappointed
Current Music:
Maybe Not-cat power
* * *
Within the next few weeks I will be coming into some money and will be able to buy the camera Ive been dreaming about for the last  8 years. The Canon Rebel XTI(insert angels singing). I will be well on my way to a serious career as a photographer.
 
Current Mood:
ecstatic ecstatic
* * *
I need a girl. Friend or otherwise.
Current Mood:
lonely lonely
* * *
I hope that with this new journal I can breed better karma.
Current Mood:
bouncy
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